Miraculous Little Human

I still feel that it is too early to announce to the whole world. Yet, I also acknowledge the need to seek kind prayers from soleh and solehah people around me. So I’ll start with my blog which has the least audience and for the fact that I’ve missed writing here dearly. My fellow writers, I seek your prayers ❤

I remember when I first did taaruf and consecutively during an activity in our marriage preparatory course, TBH and I agreed that we would love to have children after marriage. That is, we do not plan to wait for a certain age, reach a particular career progression or for us to accumulate wealth till we feel “ready”. Of course, we should always strive to be ready holistically as having a child is an amanah. But like marriage, many have advised me that we will never truly feel “ready”.

Given my health background, I equipped myself with knowledge on do’s and don’ts on how to conceive prior marriage. I diligently went for checkups at the hospital. PM-ed sisters, asatizah and read up online. I tried my best to change my lifestyle – what I eat, how much I exercise, the thoughts and feelings that fill me. This, alongside baby steps to upgrade each area in my life. I held my ustazah’s advice dearly when she shared about the power of intention in everything we do. For example, if I were to do a good deed, I would place the intention and hope for good soleh solehah offspring.

One month into marriage life, I was bombarded with so much love. It is true when people can never mind their own business. The community I meet during work began to question me about conceiving. The pressure was real as they shared, out of their good will, about how all of them conceived really fast. Some even shared how realisation only dawned upon them when they were 5 months pregnant. Another shared how she joined a program that not only allow her to conceive easier but to also enable her to choose a specific gender. To which another person spoke up and defended how we should trust Allah and not plan as such.

I simply smiled and sought their prayers. My heart ached but I told myself that they wanted only the best for me. For me to feel their joy too, one day, inshaAllah.

I began to doze off ore often at work whenever there was inactivity. Colleagues kept giving me cheeky glances and asking me if I were pregnant already. My first reaction was to feel pressured. But I took this opportunity to seek their prayers and said “ameen” to their guesses.

These everyday occurrences shaped my thoughts and I found myself searching for “pregnancy signs” on Google. I thought to myself that this might be it for every description I read. Some days, I thought I’d lose myself to so much hope and that I had imagined all these signs because what we read can influence what we think and feel.

So one day after work, I went to the nearest Guardian and bought a pregnancy test kit which cost me $7. I was nervous as I read the instructions of what resembled a thermometer. I sat down on the toilet bowl, getting ready to catch my own pee.

This noob stared for so long at the kit as the pee seeped through that stick. 1 line emerged and then….another.

So many emotions filled in as I tried to get a grip of myself.

Ya Allah. It was positive. This $7 kit is telling me that I have another life inside. I was in disbelief.

That night, I met TBH at the hospital to visit my dad who was warded. Amidst such a stressful period, this good news made us very delighted. Subhanallah alhamdulillah.

Given my background, this was nothing short of miraculous. I believe this happened due to the many prayers of the eager people who constantly asked about it. This happened, because Allah said kun, fayakun.

But then, I bled the next day.

I frantically searched online if bleeding was normal during pregnancy and did not like what I read.

It was so scary. Coupled with the shock of taking in that there is a growing life within me, I rushed to the A&E at KKH. My mother accompanied me as TBH had to work. The doctor did a scan and we saw you little one. You were a tiny seed, barely 6 weeks old. She assured me that bleeding was normal as old blood was shedding off from the uterus walls. So I went back to work.

But then the bleeding did not stop. I felt something was wrong and decided not to take any chances. It was time to follow what I thought were some motherly instincts.

I went to the emergency centre again but with TBH who took the day off. The little one actually grew mashaAllah and it no longer looked like a seed. I was amazed at how change could happen within several days. This doctor also assured me that it is normal to bleed but equipped me with medication as she acknowledge that bleeding is also an indicator that my pregnancy was unstable.

With Allah’s help, Family’s support and the medication, we slowly grew stronger, miracle baby and I.

The first lap, the first 3 months of such an eye-opening journey was spent at home. It was really bad to the point that I had to take no paid leave at work. I am thankful for such understanding colleagues.

The challenges deserve a post of its own. On one hand, I wish to forget the pain but on the other, the many things I could not do during that period has made me appreciate the slightest improvements in my life now. Alhamdulillah.

Ya Allah, thank you for this blessing. The situation we all face today has taught me that anything can happen. So let’s treasure each moment.

Addua biddua ❤