I grew up with novels and dramas that portrayed how a typical marriage happens – more often than not, it is when the guy proposes to a girl after falling in love with the heroine. Without realizing it, this began to influence, to some extent, how I looked at my life and the lack of such dramatic scenes that could lead to me getting to know a prospective husband. I sometimes found myself daydreaming about such incidents happening and then worrying about how it is far-fetched. Then Shaitan comes in, whispering the “ifs” – what if I am not good enough for anyone? What if I will never get married? A Prince Charming kneeling down to ask for my hand in marriage? Ha-ha. Note: Remember to seek refuge in Allah (ta’awudz) when such “ifs” come by, okay?
As I matured in my readings, I discovered the different ways Muslim women can get to know a prospective husband. A future imam, leader, protector, companion, and so much more. I was around 13 years old, I think, when my mother (bless her) gifted me Ustazah Fatimah Syarha’s novel entitled “Tautan Hati”. Ustazah’s novels began shaping my views, and I found myself yearning for that beautiful, beautiful love journey.
I wanted a journey of love to begin with the Most Compassionate Himself – Allah. I wanted every step I took to be blessed by Allah because it is only Allah’s redha (pleasure) that truly matters in this life. And what better way than to emulate, as best as I could, the ways of Rasulullah s.a.w and Sayyidatina Khadijah r.a? To take careful steps in every choice I made and to internalize the intention behind each action.
Some ways that intrigued me were the process of matchmaking, exchanging biodata (a common practice within the tarbiyah circle), taaruf with the presence of our naqib/naqibah (someone trusted who is a husband and wife), and the boldest move itself – to propose to the guy yourself, just like Sayyidatina Khadijah (Of course via a messenger). MashaAllah.
So, I kept my intentions pure, made loads of prayers, and surrounded myself with good company. My Ustazah reminded us to keep making good intentions about marriage. It does not matter if you are still young. These pure intentions of having a righteous husband do not define us or make us look super fixated on wanting to get married. In other words, we are not desperate (gatal?) if we have good intentions. We are focused. We have goals and a way to achieve them. It actually helps us look inwardly (muhasabah) and realize early how to equip and prepare ourselves to be better servants of God, good daughters, and wonderful sisters to our siblings and friends. The journey of seeking a beautiful love journey begins with ourselves.
For intentions shape our thoughts.
Thoughts become actions.
And actions bring us closer to our goals, bi iznillah.
To keep the story short, let’s delve into the topic of how I proposed to my husband. For keepsake and to remind me to keep striving, to cherish each moment. Alhamdulillah. (May it benefit anyone who is actually reading this too aameen)
I was head over heels in my pursuit to emulate Sayyidatina Khadijah’s ways in proposing to Rasulullah s.a.w. I tried to be like her in the sense that I made the first move. Unlike Sayyidatina Khadijah r.a, I only made that move after I got a hint from my husband’s friend that he was also interested in marriage. I gained the confidence to ask my husband if he would be interested in marriage through a dear sister whose husband is my husband’s close friend. (Oh dear, this sounds confusing, haha!)
So, this was what happened:
Research – Similar to how Sayyidatina sought the help of Maisarah, I too tried to ask seek help from others such as – his sister, cousin, and friends when I wanted to find out more about my husband’s personality. I knew him on the surface as we attended the same school before – he was 3 years my senior. Beyond that, I had little knowledge of who he really is.
Check my list – A lady can dream. Scratch that, a lady must dream. This dream is not ordinary, wishful thinking. It is made up of guidelines, even red flags on what we seek for or what we want to avoid in a husband.
Acts like my father? Check
Non-smoker? Check
Older? Check
These can be personal things that only YOU can decide. But of course, Islam has guidelines which is to seek the one with sound religion, good lineage, wealth (unnecessarily a rich asian but is able to support and strive in building a family together inshaAllah) , and pleasing to our eyes (in other words, encik suami, you’re handsome, mashaAllah, haha).
Express intent – After checking my list, I honestly waited for him to bring up the topic of marriage. But I couldn’t wait and let my heart be disturbed by “what ifs,” so I expedited the matter by asking a really good friend to ask him if he wanted to get married. It was actually anonymous, but he asked my friend to disclose my identity. To which I agreed. I remember waiting for the answer with my heart beating very very fast.
Exchange of biodata – He accepted the proposal, and my friend passed the baton back to me. I really wanted her to be in our chats to maintain the sanctity of our conversations, but she trusted me to guard myself and to know that Allah is watching. Honestly, it was hard. Really hard. To consciously not send emojis, to have short and succinct replies while the heart keeps fluttering out of excitement. I kept reminding myself what Ustazah Fatimah Syarha mentioned in her books:
My dear, to love someone is nothing,
To be loved by someone is something,
To be loved by someone you love is exciting,
But to beloved by Allah is everything.
Ustazah Fatimah Syarha
Back to our aim, Redha Allah always ❤
Anyway, I quickly sent him a list of questions that my Ustazah shared with me, namely:
- Expectations of a future spouse
- Causes of anger and reaction when angry
- Parents & Family Culture
- Aspirations for the future family
- Life goals (short-term & long-term)
- Priorities in life
- CCA outside school/extra classes
- Strengths
- Weaknesses
- MBTI Profile type
- Hobbies
- Favorite food and color (I added this because I was curious, not so important though)
Istikharah in Ramadan – After going through our answers in our own time, we decided to take a step back in Ramadan to seek Allah’s guidance through istikharah. As Eid approached, both of us agreed to proceed.
Express intent to parents to seek their redha – This step was super scary. I have NEVER talked about wanting to get married, let alone actually have a name to propose. But it was one of the greatest indicator and answer to our istikharah. Both parents welcomed the idea of us getting married and was really happy about it. I never dreamed about him but knowing our parents were happy made me feel calm and assured that he is the one. InshaAllah. One tip or what I did to express my intent was to bring up the topic of marriage with my parents alone, without the presence of my younger siblings.
Khitbah – Which means tunang or getting engaged. Since we were still undergrads, we agreed not to buy rings and save that for the nikah. It was an intimate session, nothing formal. His family came over to my place for Eid. To our surprise, my mother-in-law bought me a ring. May Allah bless her for her beautiful gift.
Cabaran khitbah – It was hard. Period. Shaitan would want you to have thoughts about each other, to want to communicate not out of necessity. But you have to remind yourself to keep things proper and not engage in idle talks. We want to start the marriage on the right note. Of course, I wanted to meet him and be like other couples, but I held back and only met his mother a few times, hehe.
Marriage course – If Zoom was a norm back then, I would totally opt for this option because it was super awkward to have face-to-face discussions with him. I mean, we can talk face to face all day, every day after nikah, inshaAllah. Right now, it’s just embarrassing. BUT, I was actually quite grateful for the face to face discussions because they allowed us to communicate in a proper setting with others around, to get a feel of what it’s like to talk to him, to discuss things. Dup dap dup dap ><
ROMM – Allah knows how badly I wanted to take a photo of us together at the iconic hearts seat, but I didn’t want to do it #justbecause/ #trend. I wanted our first photo to be when we are both halal for each other coughs (inshaAllah).
Nikah – It was nerve-wracking. I kind of regretted not hiring a videographer to witness the moments again, but all is well. I still appreciate all the photos, hehe. Alhamdulillah, alhamdulillah, alhamdulillah. It felt like a dream. To be able to touch his hand, give him salaam, and be by his side. Let me share with you how awkward it was to enter my in-laws’ house. I can’t even remember how I mustered the courage to open my hijab. But truly, please, please take good care of yourself, and inshaAllah, each moment will be so sweet, full of flutters and jitters.
Our first date was to go to MUIS and apply for Hajj together – I would recommend the first thing to do as a couple is to apply for Hajj together if one has yet to do so.
MashaAllah Alhamdulillah for everything that has happened and did not happened. To dear sahabat fillah who asked me about my experience, I am so sorry if my writing is all over the place, but my main intent is to share that each person’s journey is unique. The common denominator is to continuously have Allah in our hearts, to always reflect on whether whatever we’re doing pleases Allah. It is hard to maintain the purity of our actions, it’s a lifelong struggle in so many aspects in our lives, beyond marriage, but have a strong WHY, and may Allah guide us to always choose the right HOW, determine the best WHEN and WHERE for all our WHATs. All the best! Let’s pray for each other, okay? ❤
Diarinsyirah 