Have you ever looked forward to meet someone? But at the same time, dread it? For me, it’s our weekly consultations.
The excitement becomes apparent as you count off the days until you get to see them, quickly tapping in your Google calendar to save the date.
You look forward to their reply, patiently waiting for those ticks to turn blue, always on stand by to receive lines upon lines of motivation, a confirmation for the next meeting.
Meeting you is like a gulp of fresh air before plunging back into the deep sea. That ray of sunlight amidst a heavy foliage of workload. A pit stop before continuing on my journey.
Don’t get me wrong, I love our weekly meetings together. But it is ironic how hard it is for me to make my way there. I always attribute it to their whispering. I’m sure they dislike my struggle. They promised that they will do whatever it is in their means to bring us down. But when I think about it again, it’s not their fault but mine. My soul needs cleansing, my heart needs fixing. How can one switch the likes and dislikes of an action so often? Oh wait, how can someone even dislike a good action??
Faith my dear, fluctuates.
Every week, I would need to mentally tell myself that meeting you would be worth it. If not here, then for the promised afterlife. If not for my lil ones, then at least, a salvation for myself. If my predecessors can travel long distances in search of knowledge, why can’t I follow in their footsteps? It’s the least that I can do to make their sweat, tears and blood worthwhile.
Some days, I have to scrape for any remains of motivation that I can find. Piece them up together and wrap it around my mind.
While there are times when I would want days to pass quickly so that I can meet you again and again.
As I read His words, at my own pace, with you correcting nearly every sentence, I can’t help but to feel thankful for being able to pick up the meanings of each verse.
I love how you would say “aameen” to each verse containing “Rabbanaa” .
Your sweet smile for every verse that described the heavens and earth.
…and your trembling “naudzubillah” for every verse about hell and the promised punishment.
I’m glad I found you Ustazah.
For you’ve made such a mundane task interesting. By setting this simple yet meaningful example of connecting to each verse, replying to each revelation. You’ve made me realised how wonderful this journey can be.
Alhamdulillah for you. May Allah preserve you, and keep us firm upon His deen. InshaAllah.
So this is why our meetings are always a mix of longing and dread. We know we need the cure. It’s time we train our desires to love it.
–
Reality check: 23 days to Ramadhan as of 6th Syaaban 1439H
Diarinsyirah 