2 things to remember when we make decisions

Disclaimer: No organisations have been exposed in this short post. I am also not complaining about my situation. It is but a reflection for myself .

Not all days are great days. Some days test you to the inner core of your existence. Today, is such a day.

A little background about my situation. I currently dedicate my Sundays to teaching. My mornings deal with adolescents, curious souls and a straightforward environment where the school has dedicated administrators. All one has to do is to come and teach. My afternoons on the other hand are with a bunch of primary school children, learning the words of Allah. Admin kte, buat lesson plan pun kte :’) MashaAllah. I wouldn’t worry if I had the relevant knowledge, skills and training. Thing is, I don’t.

This second half of the day that I’ve committed to was quite unplanned. Things got to me in such a drastic manner where one day, one sees herself as a relief teacher and the next thing she knew, she was recruited as part of the small committee of teachers. Throughout the sudden career progressions from a mere relief teacher to an assistant and now leading a level (a class of 21 students), I find myself unable to say no to every instance or opportunity I had to turn it down. Humans have choices to make. I know I made mine as it is. Yet, it was due to constraints and pressure. I wonder, do we really lack Quran teachers in Singapore? Till we need to resort to people like me? 😦

I question myself as I do not have the skills to effectively teach Al-Quran. Please understand that one may be able to read the quran but teaching the theories of tajwid is another game altogether. 😦

So? Learn!

That is something I tell myself to do every week after the day ends. Even if I learn or have the theories at my finger tips, one still does not know how to deliver it such that my empty precious vessels can comprehend or better, appreciate the content.

It’s crazy the number of times I keep questioning myself whether this is the line I want to pursue. Whether I have it in me to teach this Holy Book?

Thing is, i don’t have the heart to leave my precious vessels. Every week, their mere existence spurs me to take action. So when your source of motivation decides to be your source of frustration, you get really, really drained, sad and hollow. Which was what happened today. I felt like such a failure today when I couldn’t handle the class.

Days like these, makes one ponder whether passion will really drive action. Or is it better to leave?

Deciding to leave or stay in anything is hard.

But I hold onto a principle shared by lovely Ustazah Mariam (Kak Yam). She once told me this, which I paraphrase:

“To know whether one should stay in a particular activity, you need to reflect whether 2 things take place.

1. Are you benefiting anyone?
2. If you aren’t, then the least is to check whether you take benefit from your situation

Hidup kita adalah untuk memberi dan menerima manfaat. Kalau keduanya tidak ada, maka pekerjaan itu amat merugikan.

If there is no benefit at all, then it’s best to leave.”

Between these 2, I know for sure I have reaped many benefits. Although forced to learn new things on the job, I really hope Allah will accept each effort one makes. Aameen!

To wrap up this post, here are some things I’ve learnt as an aspiring educator:

1. I learn to take responsibility of the choices I make. I am dealing with hopeful parents who wish for their child to be able to read the words of Allah.
2. Equip myself with relevant skills. To make time for it.
3. I develop passion for this although very, painfully, slow.
4. I hope it makes me into a better person. It forces me to use available time to plan for my classes, learn and teach what I’ve learnt.
5. The dynamics of students, reward systems, what works and what doesn’t although some things happen in a frustratingly arbitrary manner (like kejap class ok, kejap tak)
6. Sabar, sabar, sabar.

Then I remember. To be a good teacher, one must first be a good student.

Sentap sendiri.